CAUSE OF MY TEACHER (Temari Matsumoto)

My manga friend told me today this was the worst yaoi she’d ever read, and gave it 1/10 – so naturally, and very excitedly, I had to pull it from my shelf and read it immediately. I mean damn, that’s harsh, I’ve never even rated anything that low (not even Kingdom of Selfish Love, which is unfit even for toilet paper). Although I keep in mind that ratings are totally subjective opinions, I should also remember that most people don’t deliberately do the equivalent of yaoi dumpster diving, looking for the smelliest piles in the darkest corners and I’ve seen some shit. I’m going to have that faraway stare of a war veteran one of these days.

‘Grandma, why are you missing a leg?’

‘Oh sonny, back in the war, they dropped Studio Kosen titles on us, so many that we were slaughtered like cattle under a black rain of death, followed by Poison Cherry Drive for good measure which ate away our limbs and our will to live…’

‘Wow, how did you escape?’

‘I saw a glowing beam in the sky. It was the Incredible Kintaro himself, swinging his giant penis around the sky like Wonder Woman’s lasso, striking down the enemy with his thousand-pound titanium balls while yelling ‘Tofu Ball Choke!’ and shooting lasers out of his urethra.’

‘Grandma, you’re full of shit.’

‘Hey, respect your elders you little fuckhead.’

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AUTHOR’S PET (Deathco Cotorino)


If there was a such a thing as cheap, no-frills takeout in yaoi form, this would be it. Made from a standard recipe with no surprises, and maybe a little bland at spice level 2-3 , but it meets your expectations and satisfies your appetite. Plus you didn’t have to cook. No leftovers though, they didn’t give you any more sex extra rice than was required 🥡 sad panda…🐼

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YAOI ANTHOLOGY (Yaoi Press)

These two books contain five stories put together, and I guess ‘variety’ is one way to describe them. ‘Full of rape’ is another way I guess. We’ve got…demon threesome rape, captor x captive rape, and hillbilly rapists in Idaho *which isn’t even also* the blood-brother rape pairing. I can’t think of any clever way to combine ‘rape’ and ‘anthology’ for a better name they could have called these, but if there is one out there somewhere floating in the English language – ah yes that’s what they should have called it, that exactly.

I crabbed about this in Kingdom of Selfish Love too, but if you’re going to draw OEL yaoi, why even bother if you’re either censoring or not showing any dick? Like actually though? I mean, there’s some uncomfortable sex scenes and pairings in here I guess that’s almost a positive for these particular titles, but in general, no censorship laws is the one thing OEL yaoi has going for it and not using it is just letting their free ice cream melt.

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GOD OF DOGS (Satoru Ishihara)

This might be the only “BL” manga in existence where two people get dissolved in acid baths, but no men actually make contact with each other sexually in any way, shape, or form. I wish I was kidding.

I did indeed read this, I am sure of it. My eyeballs looked at the words and pictures on each page, but my brain had a hard time translating them into any sort of cohesive anything, it was such a garbled mess of idea, characters, and words – maybe I won’t even try. It’s about like…ancient Chinese assassins and NYC gang warfare? Something like that. When I was somewhere around the middle of trying in vain to process this book, I looked it up on mangaupdates for some info on how and why this mess came to be and discovered some very important information – this is the sequel to another series, one that was not licensed in English. *facepalm* Grandma June was just off her meds again guys, nothing to see here. Maybe we should take away her car keys…

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YAOI HENTAI (Yaoi Press)

I am slowly – so very slowly – making my way through this pile of Yaoi Press titles that has been sitting around for ages – someone gave them to me free, and now I can see why. The thought of reading the rest of these is akin to slogging back to work at 8am on a Monday after a great weekend, but it has to be done. For posterity, you know? They’re the yaoi equivalents of the forgotten schlocky VHS B-movies someone unearths outside a Goodwill that end up on Red Letter Media – except they haven’t been forgotten just yet. They will though. Let 20 years or so pass, and they’ll age like fine wine for the bad OEL manga connoisseur. So, person from the post-apocalyptic future who just found a tattered copy of Xorcisms and Pogo Sticks also by YP in some bombed out basement while foraging for expired Campbell’s tins and then dusted off the ancient internet archives using the government-issued chip in their head to see where this curious paper relic full of badly-drawn dicks came from and it led you to here to this website, well ha ha ha mister I totally predicted this already, and get out of my bomb shelter you future intruder. And don’t touch that lever! Ha, just kidding, my bomb shelter would have way better reading material – useful, serious, and contemplative tomes for humanity’s uncertain future such as Dick Fight Island, Gay’s Anatomy and Long & Hard! My Brother’s Cute Gay Classmate Fucked My Ass So Hard We Both Turned into Sentient Sex Robots In Another World Where Everyone Has 17 Nuclear-Powered Mega Dicks?! (You caught me, this one doesn’t exist yet, but I believe in the yaoi isekai future).

Warning: very NSFW images after the jump

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SCARLET (Hiro Madarame)

I had planned to finish and review the small pile of Studio Kosen titles I have all in a row so that I can get it over with, but reading that last one was like chewing on a dung-flavored stick of Juicy Fruit and I’m not sure I can handle another one just yet. I need some mouthwash for the brain, if you will. Brainwash I guess? So I picked a random M-rated one-shot off my shelf…I mean, there’s no guarantee it will be good or anything, but it would have to be, idk, fingerpainted by a drunk or something to be worse than Kingdom of Selfish Love.

Scarlet is Hiro Madarame’s debut work, though not the first of hers to be licensed in English (it was preceded by Cute Devil). It has a title story and two side stories, one of which I enjoyed far more than the main story, incidentally. To say the title story is ‘kind of fucked up’ would be one way to put it, as its main plot points include bloody anal rape followed by attempted murder. And they say romance is dead…

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KINGDOM OF SELFISH LOVE (Yaoi Press/Studio Kosen)

‘Hey X, when are you going to review another Yaoi Press title?’ said no one ever, especially since that requires actual readers of this blog. Unlike the group that create these terrible books, I am under no delusion that people want to read by self-indulgent BS, much less even think of charging anyone for it. But funny you ask, imaginary reader, because I have here five or so of these titles that I got ages ago in some mixed yaoi lot on eBay (the only way Kosen titles ever find their way to me…). Before mixing them among the hymnals in the pews of my local church, I thought it would be fun to review them. Unfortunately to review them, this means I have to read them. The fact that I’m only just getting around to this about a year into a pandemic lockdown should tell you how much I wanted to do this. But if I can save even one person from paying $12.95 for this one in particular, it will have been worth it. Not all heroes wear capes!

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ALMOST CRYING (Mako Takahashi)

Last month I was at some comic book store and found one of those ‘guide to anime / manga’ books, this one by Dark Horse. Whenever I see one of these, I always flip to the yaoi section to see if they have some hot photos for educational purposes. In a brief note about shotacon, they mentioned that Almost Crying is one of the only shota licenses we have in English, albeit a non-erotic one (Wikipedia mentions this too by the way, but seeing it in a more official medium had more weight). I have had Almost Crying on my shelf for a while but didn’t realize it was a title worthy of any special mention among June’s numerous mid 2000s shounen-ai licenses, so I was a bit surprised. I mean, lots of yaoi has characters that could pass for shota boys, especially the ukes, and while the cover of this book is certainly indicative of how the characters look it didn’t strike me as ‘oh wow this is positively groundbreaking for the US yaoi market’ I guess. I’m also not really into shota either and am perfectly content that it’s largely located in the ‘you have to know where to look’ category, but the non-sexual nature of this title definitely broadens its appeal. And appealing it is, in exactly the way it wants to be.

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POISON CHERRY DRIVE (Modoru Motoni)

I had an inkling that this book was going to be bad. Partly a premonition based on the art style, followed by an educated guess based on the fact that it’s a Kitty title. Ages ago a read a brief review of it saying it was trash, and that nugget of info apparently stayed with me as well. ‘Trash’ may be too nice a descriptor though in this case – it sounds too polite. I’m gonna slightly bump it up a level to ‘hot garbage.’ It’s terrible even by Kitty standards and makes the likes even the bottom of the barrel of BL look like Tezuka works. While reading I was on the lookout for the answer to the question of why they wanted to license this, but I never did find it. Even halfway through, this dumpster fire was still managing to go downhill with no brakes.

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GOLDEN PRINCE AND ARGENT KING (Kouko Agawa)

I had had this title kicking around for ages; it was one of the first in my collection. I don’t know why it took me so long to finally read it. I think because usually I’m either in the mood for either a good yaoi’ or ‘bad yaoi,’ and didn’t know how to categorize this one, because I’m a weirdo and didn’t want to take off the shrinkwrap until I committed to it – but then of course I couldn’t flip through it to find out. I am fully aware that’s a stupid as hell reason but gotta preserve that new book smell, ya know?

I read this all in one sitting, around 6am listening to rain and traffic in bed and waiting for the sun to rise, possibly under some insomnia-induced delirium (my sleep schedule is FUBAR due to Black Death 2020) and trying to wash my brain out after Poison Cherry Drive – which was so incomprehensible that even fairly mediocre yaoi like this one appears near-Shakesperean in comparison.

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