GOLDEN PRINCE AND ARGENT KING (Kouko Agawa)

I had had this title kicking around for ages; it was one of the first in my collection. I don’t know why it took me so long to finally read it. I think because usually I’m either in the mood for either a good yaoi’ or ‘bad yaoi,’ and didn’t know how to categorize this one, because I’m a weirdo and didn’t want to take off the shrinkwrap until I committed to it – but then of course I couldn’t flip through it to find out. I am fully aware that’s a stupid as hell reason but gotta preserve that new book smell, ya know?

I read this all in one sitting, around 6am listening to rain and traffic in bed and waiting for the sun to rise, possibly under some insomnia-induced delirium (my sleep schedule is FUBAR due to Black Death 2020) and trying to wash my brain out after Poison Cherry Drive – which was so incomprehensible that even fairly mediocre yaoi like this one appears near-Shakesperean in comparison.

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WHEN THE HEAVENS SMILE (Aki Senoo)

If you feel that the saying ‘variety is the spice of life’ also applies to shounen-ai school stories, here’s something that covers a few food groups on that particular plate. We’ve got strawberries, ghosts, horny librarians, alcoholism, poorly whistled renditions of ‘Scarborough Fair,’ depression brought on by cell phone novels, and of course – a proper staple of this kind of diet – a school roof blow job. Where else would you get the protein? (!)

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NAUGHTY BUT NICE + SPICY BUT SWEET (Naduki Koujima)

Shotacon and non-con are like cheese and chocolate. Some people think they shouldn’t be mixed at all, because it tastes gross and makes you feel gross. Some are warmer to it but definitely think there’s a real art to accomplishing it in a way that makes it tolerable much less enjoyable. The third group is spraying Cheez Wiz on Hershey bars as we speak while calling groups 1 and 2 politically-correct pussies in between chews.

The first group probably shouldn’t bother with this series, but it might as well be a Sunday School book to the third group, who think ‘Boku no Pico’ is shit because it’s mainstream shota. That leaves the second group, who will be largely divided because for many palates, the mess of cheese and chocolate mix in here is not always the tasty kind.

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THE INCREDIBLE KINTARO (Naomi Guren)

I may or may not have gotten this title just to review it. And holy fuck am I glad I did. ‘Speechless’ is a word that often gets attached to a greater number of things than it’s truly worthy of describing, but I think this manga checks that box.

Things That Grow and their Practical Applications: The Christian Summer Camp Middle School Reader, 6th ed.  (alternate title idea) 

VERY NSFW pictures after the jump, even by BL standards.

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LOVE LESSON (Hanae Sakazaki)

So, I don’t mind student-pursuing-teacher storylines, and I don’t mind younger semes with older ukes, but if those two things overlap on some kind of yaoi venn diagram it’s not really my cup of tea. Maybe I just haven’t read one I really liked yet, but I think when it gets down to it – college students are one thing, but when I think about the guys I knew at 16, and then pretend they were gay, the idea that any of them would be able to top someone older and more experienced than them, much less satisfy them, much less seduce them, much less have the confidence to try in the first place, much less put another comma in this sentence, is kind of laughable. Granted, I went to Catholic school, so that probably means diddly squat. Maybe in some public schools out there people were so used to this that when Johnny bent Mr. Smith over in the janitor’s closet after Algebra 2, they didn’t even have to shut the door – and that’s still *if* doing questionable things with the mop handle wasn’t completely off the table. You know those kids that were duller than a tan crayon yet somehow always got good test scores? You gotta wonder…

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CAN’T WIN WITH YOU (Honami/Takaguchi)

That awkaward moment when you try to get a kid of questionable age to do something by tying him down and giving him a hand job while making out with your friend but it doesn’t convince him to do what you want so you get forced to blow the school director’s son while his brothers watch and then the same annoying kid starts going to your school and becomes resident advisor and makes rules against no gay stuff but starts to like gay stuff because you kiss him once but really you like your roommate Miku and you get pissed because you get forced to suck that same guys’s dick again while Miku and your other friend drug the annoying kid with spiked hot chocolate and dress him up like a slutty girl while he’s unconscious complete with shampoo dripping from his mouth for blackmail and then later everyone tries to rape him and you’re like wtf all I wanted was to get my asshole rammed in peace by my roommate without getting forced to blow people as punishment for shit I didn’t do. I think we can all relate.

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OTHELLO (Toui Hasumi)

If I had to guess which yaoi books on my shelf be legitimatly tear-inducing, Othello would probably have been in the bottom half of that list. An R16 that looks kind of like a lame vampire story with that gothic cover font? Nah. Yet, as it turned out, to say Othello was moving, beautiful, and heartbreaking would be an understatement – this book absolutely came out of left field. I guess really I just wasn’t expecting it to be so touching, much less serious.

You’re probably wondering what the hell is so special about your standard oversize mid-2000s R16 June book, of which there are dozens. Trust me, I was surprised too.

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LOVE QUEST (Lily Hoshino)

Love Quest is the book that popped my Lily Hoshino virginity. I was starting to get self-conscious about it, so figured I better suck up the pain and get it over with. Despite countless ads in the back of June books touting her as the ‘queen of yaoi’ (a title which I can only assume was bestowed by someone who clearly has not read a lot of yaoi), her work does not generally appeal to me, because you honestly can’t tell who has a penis and who doesn’t in a lot of her stories. At least for one character in this one it turned out to be correct – though the two (three?) ukes all looked very, very feminine. Too feminine. I mean come on, that dude on the right looks like he’s about to shoot a Maybelline commercial.

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