I don’t think I’ve ever bought a book for myself that I knew I wasn’t going to like before – until I started this blog, that is. The reason was twofold: 1) Bad yaoi is more fun to review. And rarely am I positive that a book is going to be terrible before I start it, thus I didn’t want to pass up this opportunity. 2) Altruism. That $2 was a sacrifice for you guys, to wander deep in the dark cave and bring back photo evidence of what that lies within, so that no one else has to risk their lives. If this is my last post and it’s three months after the datestamp, I probably didn’t make it out alive. Spread yabara on my grave, fam.
By ‘bad,’ I am pretty much solely referring to the art btw. But oh, it’s bad. If Fumi Yoshinaga tossed back an Ambien with a fifth of Jack Daniels and went to illustrate a story while the effects were kicking in, the resulting drawing style might somewhat resemble Keiko Kinoshita’s. This goes beyond stylistic quirks and differences. Did anyone at DMP even look at this book before licensing it? Was this subgenre that much of a gold rush in 2007 that they just licensed whatever they could get their hands on without any discretion? Or were they forced to through some kind of contract package deal? They licensed some questionable titles back in the day, but I can’t think of another of theirs that has *this* level of finesse, namely the finesse of a partially blind homeless drunk.
But I digress. I’m lacing up my shitkicking boots, grabbing a backpack cooler of Pinot Grigio, unwinding my spelunking rope, and slathering my wooden torch in lighter fluid.
We’re going in.
Day 3
Feeling my way along the rocky crevices, I’ve come across two creatures interacting. It seems that evolution has realized that they are native to the dark, and so fully forming their outward appearance would be superfluous. I watch from the shadows as a scene unfolds before me. A small figure with light hair who calls himself Haru has lost his mother, and in his weakened state, is beset by predators wanting money from him that his family owed. Suddenly a taller, more authoritative figure appears and chases them away with bared teeth. This figure has dark hair and appears to be older, and calls himself Mr. Senoh. According to my species guidebook, appears to be of the dreaded species known as ‘lawyers.’
Day 8
I’ve followed Haru and Senoh deeper into the cave, dripping stalactites wetting the tops of their heads as they try to force the other to take the only umbrella. They split ways, and I decide to follow Haru. The air is getting thicker and heavier, tinged with must and sulphur. I crouch behind a rock and watch him in his natural habitat. He lives alone, and I think he must be an orphan. He moseys around looking depressed and lonely, and tries to fix his sink with a wrench. He fails miserably, and Senoh mysteriously comes to the rescue – though not before they are both drenched in water again. I realize that they’ve been soaking wet for one reason or another for about 70% of the book so far. Perhaps this is a partially aquatic species?
Day 16
Haru’s dad owed creditors a lot of money, and people want ownership of his home in order to get it back. He is having trouble figuring everything out by himself, even with the help of the will executor. Crouching behind my spot in a rock crevice and nursing some wine, I observe as Haru is once again attacked by a pack of predators who this time ransack his house. Suddenly a giant roar echoes from further inside the cave, and stomping footsteps grow louder as Senoh appears, bounding in on all fours and swinging his giant yaoi hands around like an ape, knocking the offenders in every direction. I clutch my Pinot Grigio in anticipation as he squares his shoulders, opens his massive jaw and blasts forth his special move, Legal Threat, boosted +8 by a Bureacracy Shield made of Ream of Neverending Paperwork and the richocheting energy of Haru’s Helplessness Attribute. Like rats hungrily tearing apart a pizza crust on the tracks of the NYC subway and barely escaping the oncoming train, they scatter in all directions, screeches echoing in the dark. The ordeal scared Haru and he cries while Senoh holds him, the power of his Protection Spell growing stronger with the boy’s presence.
Day 22
I’ve lost track of time now, and can’t tell whether it’s day or night or how long I’ve been in here. I’ve miscounted my rations and turns out I only have one bottle of wine left, and I’m holding onto it until the situation becomes dire. I’m not sure what that might have earned this story an OT-rating since there’s no invisible swords native to this area, but I’d rather not have the misfortune of finding out whilst sober. I might have to clutch my crucifix and toss it into the darkness while screaming at metaphorical bats, a la Ace Ventura in Nature Calls.
Haru and Senoh haven’t moved much. In fact, though we are halfway through the cave, they haven’t really moved much at all in the grand scheme of things. They sit behind Harus’s house talking, when I spot what looks like a white flower dotting the ground. ‘That’s harujion.’ Senoh tells Haru. ‘A small white flower without affectation, growing boldly and true.’ I hear the small ‘achievement unlocked’ sound from xbox games. I’m guessing it’s ‘5G – Say part of the book’s title in the dialogue,’ but I can’t be too sure. Then, finally an actual plot development – Senoh asks Haru if he’d like to come live with him, and Haru agrees. They walk off together, and I follow hesitantly through the narrow passageways, swinging my torch in front of me every few feet as I walk. One can never let their guard down when they’re entering a lawyer’s turf.
Day 28 (I think)
Senoh lives in a large clearing in what I think is the center of the cave, and I’ve carved out a small base camp overlooking it with night vision binoculars. Their social interactions are not unlike the opening scene featuring Chewbacca’s family in the 1978 Star Wars Christmas special, just as random and no less obscure. Haru flits about trying to be helpful, packing his sugar daddy’s lunch like a young wife, though he definitely seems to see Senoh as a father rather than a lover. But hey, this is yaoi world, so why not both.
Senoh works late a lot, and Haru is often alone at night waiting for him to come home. He once goes to Senoh’s office looking for him, and I follow, the effects of sobriety making me unfortunately clear-headed. There Haru finds a second, smaller species of lawyer, this one named Nagano. Nagano works with Senoh, and takes a liking to Haru. That noisy echo you hear is the plot thickening.
Haru goes back home and waits late into the night for Senoh as usual, when it starts to rain. Haru comes out with an umbrella – rather puzzlingly, since they both seem to prefer being wet – and they have an Emotional Moment. ‘Aquatic creatures after all?’ I jot in my journal.
Day 32
I sense I might be getting closer to daylight, as the darkness seems less pervasive than before. Feeling hopeful, I open my last bottle of wine and pray it lasts me. I idly wonder anyone would notice if I photoshopped the famous “yaranaika?” face somewhere in one of these screenshots. As I ruminate on such matters, I hear the dull bellowing of lawyers, and run to see what the source of the commotion is. Nagano casually tells Senoh he likes Haru, and Senoh is upset, saying that Haru’s future isn’t with some 30-something man. They fight about it for a while in the glibly passive-aggressive way that the lawyer species communicates with each other. Nagano knows what’s up though:
Senoh then gets a call that Haru has been skipping school. Assisted with his +5 boost from Super Lawyer Senses, he knows exactly where Haru has been going: the site of his family house, now demolished. Amidst the pure romantic backdrop of the forlorn and empty plot of land where Haru’s house once stood, the two Share Emotions, and finally kiss. I can’t get close enough to see how they might perform this action given the size of the lower half of their faces. Finally, it seems I’m going to get out of here. I chug the last of my Pinot Grigio in celebration.
Day 45
I can see the end of the cave now. My eyes are slowly adjusting to the light and I try to remember what sky looks like. Practically skipping along, I pass a side room at the end where I overhear Senoh and Haru interacting. ‘Oh? A side story?’ I peek my head in, just in time to see them kiss rather passionately.
Senoh clearly wants to go further, but announces to Haru that he ‘has to wait until he’s older.’ Senoh clearly does not read a lot of yaoi if he thinks this stops anyone. I pass by the scene out into the sunlight and fill my lungs with fresh air, and look for the nearest liquor store.
Sitting at my desk now and reflecting on this adventure, I think that the story wasn’t really bad – but the awkward and unappealing art style left a lot to be desired. One final thought is that Keiko Kinoshita may be a sub-par manga artist, but she is an excellent colorist. These two things are far from mutually exclusive in the manga world and she should definitely pursue more stuff with the latter. I mean, if this book was in color it would probably be much better – her light-handed, delicate style lends itself really well to watercolor, and she’s good at using it to supplement the missing details In the linework.
Well readers, I hope you found this review as ridiculous as it was to write. That’s all I can hope for, really. And though I’ve jokingly lambasted it for several paragraphs, perhaps it might have the total opposite effect and make you want to read it. Be sure to let me know of your experience, should you choose to also walk this path of adventure.
TL;DR: Seriously, if you like this kind of art and these kinds of stories, just read anything by Fumi Yoshinaga instead. Kinoshita’s art is poorly proportioned and unattractive to look at, and does nothing to elevate the halfway decent story. But if this review has not deterred you from wanting to enter this proverbial cave, be sure to bring extra provisions – in bad yaoi, no one can hear your meager cries for help.