I may or may not have gotten this title just to review it. And holy fuck am I glad I did. ‘Speechless’ is a word that often gets attached to a greater number of things than it’s truly worthy of describing, but I think this manga checks that box.
Things That Grow and their Practical Applications: The Christian Summer Camp Middle School Reader, 6th ed. (alternate title idea)
VERY NSFW pictures after the jump, even by BL standards.
This is literally my favorite kind of review to write because I don’t even have to exaggerate or be ridiculous – I couldn’t do better than the material itself.
The ‘plot’ goes something like this: Makoto’s grandfather is a school principal on his deathbed (actual school motto: ‘Heart, lust, body’) and proclaims that whoever can seduce Makoto will be the one to take his place. Who will be his prince charming? Enter Kintaro, a mountain-dwelling axe-wielding bear wrestler who Makoto reunites with wishing to escape the hordes of his wannabe lovers at school. Kintaro and Makoto knew each other when they were younger though hadn’t seen each other since then, but Kintaro recognized him when he squeezed his ass, because he could ‘never forget an ass like that.’ Ah, the good ‘ol shotacon handshake.
Kintaro gets a job as a janitor at the school so that he can be in the running to win Makoto and protect him from perverts, which he definitely needs because no sooner had he walked into another room than he gets sucked off by robot tentacles and Kintaro gets trapped as well trying to save him.
This repeats three different times, the second time with a lewd biology teacher who uses Makoto’s asshole as a flowerpot. Talk about thing’s you never thought you’d type, much less see.
Last up is the super hot swim teacher (seriously, he’s gorgeous) tries the same thing. Kintaro puts an end to that, but the swim teacher gets revenge by making their swim trunks dissolve during a competition, so that they have to do their last trick like this:
Kintaro has a special martial arts move called the Tofu Ball Choke that he uses to rescue Makoto from all these situations. So amazing and effective is this move that I am truly shocked it’s not used more in the real world.
Kintaro of course wins Makoto in the end, and they have some damn hot dick-floppin’ 69.
I’m kind of baffled that so many people hate on this title, honestly. Just kidding, I’m not surprised at all – it’s definitely a love-or-hate manga, there is no in-between, and you definitely need a certain sense of humor to enjoy it. I don’t know, to me, it’s hard to take this stuff too seriously – we are talking about Japanese comics of cartoon dudes with big eyes and spiky hair putting their dicks in each other’s assholes. I mean, certainly there’s a sliding scale between BDSM guro omutsu bara tentacle rape and Eerie Queerie, but at the end of the day it’s still BL. Plus, there is so much hentai out there that is ten times more ridiculous than this. I mean, if you aren’t expecting a gag manga I guess I could understand – but if you go into it with the mindset that it’s going to be absolutely bizarre and ridiculous and are wanting to read something along those lines will definitely not be disappointed. Oh, there’s also a massive amount of kind-of-but-not-really-censored dick-flopping in it courtesy of Kintaro.
The art is fucking amazing. I was a little bit blown away actually. Naomi Guren, girl, where have you been all my life? I think I might make it my mission to read and review everything she has. I mean really, it might be the best art in any yaoi/BL book I have ever read. Yes, I did just type those words – but it’s that good. Ok, maybe not ever, but it’s at least in the Top 5. I know this kind of thing can be subjective but some panels in here are really hard to top. Not only that, to be able to draw these kinds of heavy non-stop action sequences that flow well takes a lot of talent, and I can’t think of another mangaka off the top of my head who could pull it off quite this well.
The fact that I am going to give this book a higher rating than, like, Fake or something is definitely going to rub some people the wrong way I’m sure, but the great thing about yaoi is that there are titles out there that break the mold. I personally love this, and everyone likes different things so it’s inevitable some people will love this book and others can’t stand it. I have to give it to Guren for having the balls to take this to the nth degree, and to 801 for licensing it.
(TL;DR): Assholes as flower vases, robot tentacle rape, dicks flopping on every page. Seriously, I have seen less dick in porn than in this book. It’s essentially a very over-the-top action comedy yaoi, it’s extremely silly and crude with no substance in the plot but was an incredibly enjoyable read with some seriously top notch art. Love it or hate it (and there are many who are in the latter category), this is a title that’s in a category all it’s own, and I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard while reading BL.